My journey with Anxiety : Pt 1
My earliest memory of a panic attack was during my A-Levels in Year 12. Earlier on in the day, I had received my mock results through the post. Branded all over the A4 paper was ‘FAILURE’. I was underperforming in my chosen subjects. There I was sat embarrassed in the living room with my mum, at one end of the table, and my older sister beside me. I can still remember, almost 5 years later, the overwhelming experience of my first panic attack. I felt a huge lump in my throat and I was gasping desperately for air like I was drowning. My sister was yelling for me to breathe and calm down. Unsurprisingly, I began to panic that I couldn’t calm down. When I eventually slowed my breathing and got my breath back, I was confused as to what happened so I brushed it under the carpet. It didn’t sound as extreme as feeling like you are dying or like I was ‘in a cage with a lion’. So surely it wasn’t a panic attack? I am not shy and love public speaking so I couldn’t possibly have anxiety? Right?
Little did I know , anxiety comes in all different forms. Contrary, to popular belief, not everyone with anxiety is a timid wallflower who sits in the corner at a party and hoping someone would start a conversation. Often I’m the first one dancing, at a party, making the most of the night. Anxiety disorder affects extroverts and introverts alike. It might make some very scared or shy all the time. Whereas in my case, public speaking or networking don’t faze me. It’s when things being outside my control which worries me.
The severity of the panic attack, in my experience, correlates to how long I’ve been ignoring my worries. At the time, of my first panic attack, it felt like it had come out of nowhere but now I know that it wasn’t an isolated incident. My anxiety feels like a numb feeling of uneasiness which can last for a couple of minutes or destroy my entire day. If I ignore them, they come together and consume my mind to an overwhelming degree. I’ve seen this pattern repeat itself over the past couple of years.
I’ve accepted that I will need to manage my mental illness my entire life. However, since starting therapy, I have picked up ways of managing my worries. In next week’s article, I’ll be sharing some coping mechanisms that have helped me.
Until next week take care,
Suwayba